For this story I asked A.I. to do an impersonation of Steven Wright while telling me about Meta’s mega face-napping fine slapping. Here’s what it came up with:
Meta just agreed to pay $1.4 billion to Texas. That’s a lot of money. I mean, it’s like winning the lottery, but instead of a big check, you get a lawsuit.
They’re paying for biometric data misuse. Biometric data. That’s fancy talk for the stuff that makes you, you. Like your fingerprints, your face, or that weird mole on your left shoulder that you thought nobody noticed.
I always thought biometric data was just a fancy way of saying, “We know what you look like when you’re trying to sneak a cookie before dinner.” But apparently, it’s more serious. It’s like the government saying, “We’re watching you.”
Now, Meta has to change its ways. They’re probably going to start asking for permission like a kid asking if they can have dessert before dinner. “Can I use your face for my app? Please? I promise I won’t make it weird.”
I wonder if they’ll start sending out forms. “By signing this, you agree to let us use your biometric data. Also, we’ll throw in a free cookie. Just one. You can’t have two. That’s too much.”
So, in a way, this lawsuit is like a wake-up call. It’s like when you realize you’ve been wearing mismatched socks all day. You think, “Wow, I really need to pay more attention.”
In the end, maybe it’s good for us. Maybe it’ll make companies think twice before they collect our data. Or maybe they’ll just get better at hiding it. You know, like how I hide my snacks from my roommate.
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[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Wright
[2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiGag5emLJg
[3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w7w2PhwTnA
[4] https://www.salon.com/2024/05/22/steven-wright-harold-salon-talks/
[5] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sm7PEuF_CZ0