Here are a few one liner jokes, in no particular order. It is interesting how some of them are funny only the first time you hear them, and others are still funny with multiple hearings. Or is that just me?
- I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn’t read too much into it.
- I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
- I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
- When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
- Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
- Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
- It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
- The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
- Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
- I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
- I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
- Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
- A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- ‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.’ – ‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.’
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
- Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
- I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
- Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
- Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- Are some people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
- If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
- A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
- The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’
- I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- Whiteboards are remarkable.
- A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
- I threw a ball for my dog… It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
- Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.
- I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
- I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver, and bronze.
- I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet. But I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
- I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
- My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
- I bought a book titled “How To Scam People Online” about three months ago… It still hasn’t arrived.
- I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
- The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It’s about time…
- To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
- A straight face and a sincere-sounding “Huh?” have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
- Women should not have children after 35, really, 35 children are enough.
- My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.” “Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way.”
- What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
- There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can’t.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
- I refused to believe my road worker roommate was stealing from the job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
- If a short psychic broke out of jail, the news read: small medium at large.
- Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.
- My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
- I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na